Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it's been...
It's been a weird few days for me. In my mind, anyway. My heart, too, I suppose. I write of a good weirdness, though. Closure. Finality. The end. A happy ending. Happily ever after for everyone.
I should rewind a bit, since I'm pretty sure I haven't blogged specifically about it.
Jolyon moved in with me at the end of April. Change that. The plan was for him to move in slowly throughout the month of May, and then be officially living with me as of June 1st. However, thanks to the idiocy of Brighthouse Networks and their inability to follow simple "cancel cable/internet on specific date" instructions, Jolyon was left without cable and internet access several weeks before he'd planned, which, naturally, meant he had to expedite what we fondly refer to as the "merger." (I would also like to thank Brighthouse. Seriously. I love you guys.)
I must note that the merger has provided many unpredicted benefits. A generous supply of 'delux' mac & cheese, courtesy of Jolyon's preffered shopping site--Amazon.com. Kitchen trash bags for the next three years. Chocolate PopTarts-- in bulk, of course. A working printer. An additional fire extinguisher (in case one of my 20 candles goes awry).
Despite my poking fun at my beloved for his numerous idiosyncrasies (believe me-- he gives it right back to me, whether it's pointing out that I sleep with my mouth open or that I "run like a goalkeeper"), it has been--at the risk of not finding the perfect adjective-- fantastic. We're learning more about each other every day, creating a secret world that usually involves the two of us tangled up in each other, laughing hysterically over one of many inside jokes.
We had joked, back in September, about his moving in with me. We were mere friends at that point, though an infatuation had been brewing since the end of August. Our conversations were full of crazy ideas throughout the fall-- one of which involved quitting our jobs and jetting off to New Zealand, where we would become kiwi farmers and eat Hokey Pokey icecream. We spoke mainly in jest, of course. But the underlying truth: we were crazy about one another.
There was, of course, one problem with our developing adoration: I was involved with someone and was already living with him. Luke suspected that there might be something more than simple friendship developing between Jolyon and myself. But Luke never questioned my decision to hang out with Jolyon and our mutual volleyball/softball friends on the weekends rather than with him. Luke was always invited... and he always declined.
In my heart, I knew I had to make a decision. I knew what I wanted. It just took my head 7 months to listen.
But I learned a lot about myself in those 7 months. And I learned that karma actually does exist. And now that I've realized that, I know that being open and honest is always the better option... even if it means inflicting pain, or going back on my word. Had I been upfront and honest with Luke the moment I started having feelings for another man, I would have discovered that he, too, had doubts about our future, and whether we were truly right for each other. I would have discovered that he, too, was silently interested in someone else.
We both could have started our new lives a lot sooner, and we both would have been much happier a lot quicker. But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Jolyon is incredibly patient with me, as I strive each day to honestly express myself and my needs. It's a terrible inner-struggle for me to vocalize myself when I'm upset and actually make a confrontation. But I get better every day. (Thank you, Jolyon.)
As for the good weirdness I alluded to earlier, I had a final necessary encounter with Luke two days ago during my lunch break at work. He stopped by to sign a Change of Residency form to relinquish his rights to the apartment, effectively signing Jolyon onto the lease with me. After we handled the business matters, we chatted for the remainder of my break.
He revealed the details of his girlfriend, who sounds perfect for him. She works in his line of business, as well. His face was aglow with happiness as he spoke about her, which made my eyes tear up... it truly warmed my heart to realize that he had found that 'perfect' someone, too.
I told him that Jolyon had moved in with me. He gave me his "I-saw-that-one-coming" laugh, and we continued to muse about how we were both dating younger people and going to the gym.
We bantered light-heartedly about our jobs, my cats, his school goals. We joked about some former mutual friends, laughing as we acknowledged that "some things never change."
As I handed Luke the last bag of his belongings-- some mail pieces, his softball glove, and some random photos I had found of him and his best friend, Charlie-- we exchanged a big smile. Relief. Peace. Contentment. We didn't need to say it, but we both knew that our story had ended a long time ago... and both of us had new chapters waiting to be written.
Indeed. What a long, strange trip it's been.
...But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.