Coping

Considering everything, the weekend was surprisingly awesome.

Katy hosted a "Half Off Candy Day" Party at her apartment on Friday night, in which she invited some fabulous single ladies (myself and Robin included) to indulge in discounted Valentine's Day candy, bagle bites, and non-mushy chick flicks. This type of activity was exactly what I needed.

Megan shared some tidbits of her last relationship, in which the end result was almost a mirror image of my own, except for the fact that she had a ring and their whole wedding planned before he dropped the "I Don't Love You Anymore" bomb. But, the bottom line was that she is ok. She survived. Sure, the aftermath wasn't easy, but it sounds like I am taking the same steps she did, so I guess I am on the right track to getting my life back under control.

Robin and I spent the night at Katy's (we are both still getting used to sleeping in our apartments alone), and we went to breakfast Saturday morning at Jess' cute garage apartment. I have always loved the town of Celebration, but after seeing Jess' garage apartment, it's possible that I am now obsessed. While I know my budget won't allow for such a nice place (I really should have been an engineer...), it's fun to dream... especially since I'm no longer making decisions for two people.

Robin and I relaxed at the pool on Saturday afternoon, and her friend, Carla, joined us. I continued reading one of the self-help books I picked up at the bookstore last week-- "Mars and Venus: Starting Over." It has some really helpful information regarding the healing process after a divorce or a painful breakup. The author suggests doing a lot of writing about your feelings, allowing yourself to fully experience the four "healing emotions": Anger, Sadness, Fear, Sorrow.

On Saturday night, Robin and I cooked dinner for Jolyon... our way of thanking him for being our (and I'll steal Katy's phrase) "token male".... aka, helping us rearrange furniture and just generally being a good friend to two women whose lives were dramatically different overnight. We went to see the film 'Definitely Maybe', which was also pleasantly well done. I have a feeling I'll be watching a lot of movies over the next few months... it's a safe escape from reality.

Robin and I went to Church this morning at St. Luke's United Methodist Church in Dr. Phillips (a very nice town about 25 minutes away). It's Katy and Megan's church (it's actually where they met). Jess and Jolyon joined us as well. We went to the 9:30am Contemporary Worhship, which was fantastic. I had never been to a contemporary service before, and I was pretty much blown away. They had a drummer and a guitarist and some singers, who rocked out to popular Christian Rock music. There was a large screen (powerpoint, perhaps?) that depicted nature scenes as well as the song lyrics. And the preacher-- wow. At times, it felt like she was speaking directly to me... asking questions like, "why are we here?" and "what is our purpose?" At one point in the service, they played a mellow song, and people could walk up to the "prayer" benches and kneel. I opted to simply close my eyes and take in the music and the lyrics. I was a little overwhelmed with my emotions by this point, and tears started rolling down my face. I'm not sure what sparked that, but afterwards I felt very content. Going to Church was a very important part of my childhood, though Luke never shared that interest. I'll be going back to the Contemporary Worship every Sunday from now on.

We spent the afternoon in downtown Celebration, having a picnic and tossing a frisbee and a softball around. Katy and Jess' friend, Alan, joined us. He seems like a very nice boy, as well. Plus, we all play softball together, so this is just the beginning of some important team bonding.

Alan invited us over to his apartment (also in Celebration) to snag some sunscreen before going to softball practice. I just about died when I saw his apartment. It's huge. 2 bathrooms, one of which has a spa-type of bathtub. Katy, Jess, and Alan all have their own beautiful apartments in Celebration. Perhaps someday for me.... Celebration never appealed to Luke, which makes me want to live there even more now.

I'm truly blessed to have these people in my life. I feel like I have met them for a reason, whether it's to make me stronger while I cope with my new life, or perhaps they have something to teach me. Regardless, I hope to be hanging out with them quite a bit.

As I type this, I'm realizing that this is the longest amount of time (4 hours) I have spent in the apartment, alone, since Luke broke up with me. Granted, I'm holed away in my rearranged bedroom haven, but I'm by myself. I feel ok when I'm in the bedroom, but as soon as I walk out to the living room, my chest tightens and I want to cry. My dad says that will pass. I hope so. Ideally, I would like to be able to continue my life in this apartment, though it means finding a roommate down the road. I'm not ready to share this apartment with anyone else right now, especially since Luke and I are on the lease until August. Part of me wants my own place, so that it's just mine... I don't have to rely on anyone to give me a check for rent, and I can decorate and come and go as I please. But then there is another part of me who is terrified to be alone and needs a roommate for financial and emotional security.

This makes me frustrated, though. I used to thrive on my alone time, since I'm typically running from one activity to another during the work week. Relaxing on the couch with the cats and some candles, while watching some TV, was sometimes the highlight of my weekend. But now.... being alone for extended periods of time is terrifying. And I know this is purely a psychological thing that will fade as time passes and I heal. I'm trying so hard to detach myself from Luke... but I don't think I will truly be able to do that until a) I move out of the apartment, b) He moves out of the apartment.

It truly is the worst when you are scared to be alone with your thoughts. While I was hanging out with people this weekend, Luke only crossed my mind a few times. But now that I am alone, I'm thinking about him. But not in a "I miss you, I want you back" kind of way.... more of a "I wonder what he's doing, I hope he's safe" type of way.

This is all very surreal. I still keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and roll over one morning, and he's going to be there, just like he was for the past 6 years. It's so hard sleeping in the middle of the bed. It's strange to open the closet to find only my clothes. And the toothbrush holder with only one toothbrush in it....

I don't miss Luke, the person. He's not right for me; we have changed too much to have a future together.... I miss the relationship aspect. I miss the emotional attachment. I miss knowing that someone is there at the end of the day to hear my thoughts and share in my successes and failures. I miss the companionship. I miss the cuddling.

I don't miss his attitude towards my friends. I don't miss his lack of ambition. I don't miss his unkept promises. I made a list of all the ways that we are not right for each other (my therapist's suggestion)... and the list was too long for comfort. I wonder how many of those "red flags" I could have foreseen?

I know this experience will make me stronger, and when I'm ready to enter into another relationship someday, I will be more prepared. At least, this is what people keep telling me.