Today, my therapist encouraged me to write about how I'm feeling, including all the ranges of emotions I may be experiencing. It's funny to write "my therapist." It sounds very Sex and the City, and I don't even like that show.
People underestimate the healing power that can be found in a therapist's office. I had my second appointment today during my lunch hour, and it was much more productive than last week's visit... mainly because I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably and was actually able to articulate my thoughts today. My therapist (let's call her Vera, because I have always liked that name) wants to get to the root of who I am as a person, so that we can analyze why I act the way I do in certain situations (namely, relationships).
She started asking me questions about my past relationships and family history, which made me initially uncomfortable. I could talk a close friend's ear off regarding my teenage years, but I have a difficult time opening up to a professional, probably because I know I'm being analyzed. I know these visits will ultimately strengthen me, but I can't help feeling like a science project.... like something being sliced open and put on display. I'm not going to go into detail regarding what we discussed today, but I recalled some pretty traumatic memories... Vera says that my current pain and grieving is triggering some repressed memories and emotions from my past. It's unnerving, really. There are certain experiences that I don't want to revisit, but it sounds like it's going to become a crucial part of my "healing." Psychoanalysis has always fascinated me... but now that I'm the subject matter, I'm terrified.
I haven't decided if I want to pour my feelings and thoughts into this blog, or use my handwritten journal. Either way, I'll be writing about the "four healing emotions," which are:
1) Anger
2) Sadness
3) Fear
4) Sorrow
In order to release my attachment to Luke, and essentially move on or "start over", I have to fully allow myself to experience the four healing emotions. Anger allows me to emotionally explore what has happened that I didn't want to happen, since it's the emotional recognition that I'm not getting what I want. Sadness allows me to emotionally explore what didn't happen that I wanted to happen. Fear allows me to explore what could happen that I don't want to happen. Sorrow allows me to explore what can't happen that I want to happen.
This is all going to take some serious thought... and I just don't have the energy tonight.
1 comment:
First of all I have to say that I love you Shelly! I think it's very brave of you to post your feelings on a website for anyone to read. Bottling things up just makes it worse. Believe me, I am a constant victim of this. I also think that throwing things (picture frames) at the wall is great therapy! Although, try not to throw a cell phone, ipod, or anything else that you might regret breaking later. I have also fallen victim to this!
Now I know this is going to sound cheesy, but boys come and go but friends are forever! And you can call me anytime day or night. I'm always here for you! And if you can't bear to live without the cuddling any longer I will be on the next flight to Florida!
Love you and I wish you nothing but the best!
Love,
Beanie
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