Flashbacks

I have kept a handwritten diary since I was eight years old. Every now and then, I go back and read a few passages, or skim through some pages, with a fond smile. I'm thankful for the memories I have captured on paper.

Since I'm a bit under the weather at the moment, I've spent a majority of the afternoon perusing through some of them, laughing out loud at my childhood innocence, scoffing at many of the things I did in my early teenage years, and crying over a few passages I have intentionally never revisited until tonight.

I want to share some passages, in no specific order. None have been edited for grammar or syntax, either.

November 29, 1996
Marques and I had a blast today! We picked him up at 4:15 to go bowling. We were dropped off at the bowling alley and played three games-- I won all three (one game was 132 to 32). He's not a very good bowler, but he was a good sport about it. When we were getting ready to leave, he turned to me and said, "I'm paying. My dad told me to."

December 3, 1996
Life is great right now. Except I lost my drafting papers for Tech Ed. I really hope he doesn't make me do them over, or worse, yell at me in front of the entire class. I hate that man. I'm doing so bad in math. We got Progress Reports on Monday and I have a C average. I've never gotten a C in anything... except penmanship in 3rd grade, which is a stupid subject anyway. I'm going to be horrible at math for the rest of my life; I just know it.

November 25, 1994
Right now I'm in the car and we are driving home. New York was the pits. There was nothing to do except play the piano and I had to eat fruits and vegetables that I'd never had before and they were all disgusting.

December 20, 1994
John Brantle's locker is right next to mine, so his door closes over my locker a lot. He is taller than me, too. Well, he opened his locker and held the door over mine so I couldn't get my bag and books. Why are boys so dumb? I tried to move his hand but unfortunately he is surprisingly strong. I then asked him nicely to move his hand, and he did. John's really a nice boy; you just have to know how to handle him.

October 2, 1998
Mom is gone now. Well, not gone, but she doesn't live in the house anymore-- she's in her own apartment in Shrewsbury. I went and saw it when she had all her stuff just thrown around. I acted happy with a "wow, nice place!" attitude... but inside I was in hysterics. I didn't want my mother living alone in an apartment. I wanted her in the house, in bed with Dad, like things used to be a long time ago-- almost two years ago. I walk in from school, now, and my footsteps echo-- the living room/dining room furniture is gone. Everything echos. My heart echos.

December 19, 1998
I can't deal with this anymore. Everything. I miss my mom. I miss four people sitting at the dinner table. I'm crying now; the page is a blur. I miss being held in daddy's arms when he reads a story... mom fixing my bed... I hate this... I can't deal with this. I want my family back. I like Kim, but she's not my mom. I like her kids, but they're not my sisters. I want to disappear. Somebody just kill me now, please? I'm so fucking depressed. What the hell is wrong with me? I must hide it pretty well... either that or no one cares.

January 9, 2004
Luke has been a real asshole lately. His little outbursts and temper tantrums have always been one of his worst qualities, and I've repeatedly told him it's unattractive. But maybe that type of behavior is unalterable. The question is, am I prepared to deal with that in a long-term relationship? I'm not so sure. He's been snapping at me lately. I originally thought this new anger resulted from his sister's death last month; I know anger is part of the grieving process, and if he wants to open up to me, he will. I should try to get some sleep; he will probably wake me up early. God forbid he actually socialize with Dad and Dawn in the morning without me. That will have to change, too.

January 16, 1998
School was cancelled today! I did nothing but watch TV and go online. Andy called around 3:00, and I have his pager number now, which is pretty cool. There are so many long silences when I talk to him, and I don't like it. Plus, he doesn't laugh at my stupid sayings, which makes me feel more stupid. Oh well. Boys are dumb.

June 24, 1997
We leave for Disney World tomorrow morning! Mom and Dad are still having problems. They say it's been going on for a couple of years. I think Mom wants a divorce. She says Dad thinks she is with someone else. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to have a good summer.

July 25, 1997
I went to the beach with Andy and his family today. It was a blast! After the beach, we went back to his house to have dinner. Lobster. Gross. But, his mom let me have Fruit Loops instead. His family made fun of me throughout dinner. I didn't care. I like Fruit Loops!

August 10, 1997
Two days ago Dad told me and Jack that Mom is suing him for divorce. He is going to fight for full custody, but it will be expensive, and will cut into my college savings. I will need to work harder and get a scholarship. We are in New York right now to get away for awhile. And today is my 15th birthday.

August 16, 1997
Soccer tournament in CT was hot! I felt like I was gonna pass out on the field. Mom and Dad both came to my game, but they sat on opposite sides of the field. It was awful. I couldn't focus.

August 19, 1997
I'm at Aunt Martha's house tonight. No Mom or Dad or bro. It's cool. I have a room and the computer (aol) to myself. I'm glad I won't be home for awhile, 'cause in the morning Mom and Dad go to the court. The lawyers are going to decide the temporary living conditions (i.e., Dad moves out or Mom moves out). I'm so scared. But I have to be strong for my brother.

August 20, 1997
Instead of going to Canobie Lake Park tomorrow with Garrett, Jack and I have to go to court. We have to talk to the judge and some social workers. They'll ask us questions, one being "who do you want to live with?" I want to live in Disney World, where everyone is always happy.