Peace & Happiness

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." ~Margaret Young

Luke stopped by my office today to pick up some more of his mail (his address change still hasn't gone through) and his tennis racket, which has been in the trunk of my car for months. He actually stepped out of his work truck to talk to me this time, as opposed to remaining in his vehicle with his sunglasses on.

I was surprised at the ease of the conversation. We joked around about silly things that had been happening in our lives. We touched upon a few of his upsetting work issues and I shared with him my elation over my house-hunting discoveries.

It was comforting.

Standing next to him, as he casually leaned against his truck, I felt like I was chatting with an old friend. I had to catch myself a few times, remembering that I was talking to my ex, and not one of my girlfriends. I stifled a smile, at that point; I was finally at peace.

But, at the same time, I felt sorry for him. I feel like I have made so much progress, personally and professionally, throughout the years that I have known him... and he is still in the same juncture in his life that he was when I met him. He's unhappy with his current job. He's trying to finish his Bachelor's Degree. He doesn't have a place of his own. He's not financially secure. He doesn't like his current geographic location. And he's almost 30.

I'm not saying this makes Luke a bad person, because he certainly isn't. He is a good man with a big heart and a loving family. Talking to him today simply reiterated the ways we had silently gone in different directions over the years, neither of us having the relationship maturity, at the time, to recognize such fundamental differences in lifestyles. We always wanted different things from life; we both thought the other would compromise down the road... and that is never a healthy outlook to have.

Our conversations today further emphasized my current state of happiness. And I do truly believe he will make someone happy someday. But before then, I hope he can become happy with himself, and find a place in this life where he can achieve that happiness.

Happiness. I love my life. I'm surrounded by so much beauty and love... my family, my friends, my coworkers.... and Jolyon.

Jolyon. He's that guy. He is the guy who will meet your best friend, in the middle of the night, at an IHOP, because she has no one else to turn to. He is the guy who will buy you duct tape, because you mentioned, in passing, that your soccer cleats were falling apart. He is the guy who cuts out craft store coupons for you because he knows how much you like scrapbooking. He is the guy who tells you to go back to sleep, while he tends to the howling cat in the living room in the middle of the night.

He is the guy who, upon remembering that it's been one "official" month of togetherness, drives across town just to kiss you goodnight and wish you a happy anniversary.