Overly Accommodating

I am not responsible for the happiness of others.

I am not responsible for the happiness of others.

I am not responsible for the happiness of others.

I have difficulty allowing myself to be happy when I know that others around me are suffering. I can't completely let go and enjoy myself if I'm with someone who may be adversely affected by the situation. Therefore, I change my actions to accommodate for others so that I don't hurt them... but in doing this, I'm not being true to myself, and I'm certainly not enjoying the moments I am given.

I don't want to do this. I shouldn't have to cater to the needs of everyone all the time. I shouldn't feel obligated to accommodate everyone. I am my own person and I make my own decisions. I have the right to be happy, even when others are not.

I need to learn how to establish boundaries. I can't allow people to be dependent on me, or make me feel guilty if I make a decision they don't agree with, or if I change my mind. I have the right to change my mind.

I want to care less about how my actions affect others. I want to completely let go of my self-awareness, at least temporaily. I want to fully experience my feelings. I want to express myself publicly and not worry about hurting someone. I don't want to walk on eggshells around people.

Of course, this is all very difficult for me because I don't like to disappoint anyone, or worse, hurt them.

I'm currently trying to work through, with my therapist and my parents, why I stayed in a relationship that I knew was not right for me. I wasn't happy with Luke. There were many moments in which I said to myself, "I know this isn't going to work. I need to get out of this relationship." There were a lot of red flags over the years, which I ignored. Of course, hindsight is 20/20.

The first conclusion we have drawn is that I clearly have a fear of confrontation and hurting people. Luke's life revolved around me, and I accommodated that. I allowed him to become dependent on me for social situations, for money... for everything. I didn't encourage him to pursue a life of his own.

Yet, I was able create a life of my own, especially after moving to Florida. I made new friends. I coached soccer. I joined a softball team and a volleyball team. I networked and landed a decent job. I did all of this while Luke simply floated along beside me, never adding anything. He just existed.

My biggest mistake in that relationship? Allowing Luke to follow me to Florida. He accepted the College Program internship because I had been accepted. He didn't want to lose me. I wanted new experiences and a new location (I was starting to feel very smothered at my college at this time). I wanted to meet new people. I don't think I ever told that to Luke directly. In my mind, if the relationship was meant to work out, 7 months apart wouldn't change anything. But having him on the same internship as me, living in the building next to me... I felt trapped... I didn't feel like I could fully experience everything I wanted and needed. He had been attending college at a good school in Boston.... but dropped out to follow me to Florida.

I never should have accommodated him to the extent that I did.

That being said, I'm learning how to not accommodate people now.... in friendships and relationships. We create our own worlds and then we live in it. I can't create another person's happiness. People need to be motivated and confident enough to create their own lives, and then welcome others into it.

I want to be with someone who has a life of his own. I don't want to be stringing someone along on my life's journey, simply because he has nothing better to do with his own existence. I don't want to change his life, or vice versa.

I don't want a man who is going to "complete" me, because that phrase suggests that I wasn't whole at the start. Instead, I want a man to enhance my life, and vice versa. We should both bring unique interests and experiences to the relationship, and we don't rely heavily on one another, though we stay in synch through open and honest communication. And we need to laugh. A lot. Laughter is key to getting through life's inevitable pitfalls.

And I have found this.

At this very moment, I am happier than I have ever been. I am happy with myself as a person. I am more accepting of my weaknesses and insecurities; they don't define me, but they are certainly part of what makes me, me.

I'm happy and I know what I want.

I had the courage to lay my cards on the table a few weeks ago and announce, "This is what I want. It's what I have always wanted. It's all right if you don't feel the same, but it would have been worse if I had continued to deny my feelings and live in silence."

Open and honest is continuing to get better each day. I'm happy, I know what I want, and I won't settle for anything less.

And I want the world to know it.