Thursday, March 27, 2008

Looking Forward, But Not Too Quickly

Volleyball was awesome tonight, despite losing both games. I really enjoy playing in the 4v4 league; it gives me a chance to experience a higher level of competition and attempt to perfect my sets and overhand serves.

I love sports. I love getting sweaty and dirty and experiencing that exercise high after a good workout. I crave that sense of release after a tough match. No matter what happened during the work day, I try to leave it on the side of the court... though sometimes a piss-poor day at work makes for great serves. I tend to get quiet on the court if I've had a rough day; I just want to focus on the game and not goof off as much.

I can't wait to play soccer again. Disney has finally caved and is having a Cast Co-ed 5v5 Soccer Tournament in May. Jolyon and I have recruited some players, so hopefully we'll be able to participate. I'm hoping the interest in hosting a tournament will result in the organization of an actual Disney league. That would be the ultimate; I'd quit softball in a heartbeat to play soccer again.

I'm thinking about giving up softball this fall and coaching soccer again. I really enjoyed playing soccer with the kids and attempting to teach them basic skills. It was an oddly comforting sensation, because it still doesn't seem all that long ago that I was being taught those skills at the town soccer clinics when I was nine years old. In fact, all my soccer memories are remarkably clear in my head, yet memories of my parents' divorce and deaths of loved ones are harder to conjure up. Strange.

I liked how the kids looked up to me. They listened (for the most part) to what I had to say, and a few of them even asked questions, or exclaimed, "Hey, Coach Shelly, watch me!" While I grew frustrated when some of them would spend more time climbing the fences on the sidelines instead of watching the game, I saw myself in those kids. I saw me: the grass-stained, dirty shirt-wearing tomboy with a boy's haircut.

I miss that girl sometimes.

In some ways, though, I'm still the tomboy I was when I was growing up. I would much rather adorn a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt and play a sport with the boys... volleyball, soccer, softball, tennis, floor hockey, basketball, racketball.... anything, really.

I miss the fall. Jolyon and I would call up Ant, Sandy, and James on a moment's notice to gather a group for some pick-up soccer at Mickey's Retreat. We had a good group on last year's softball team... not that I'm not enjoying it this season.... but something about the team last year just felt different.

But I can't dwell on the past, because the present is pretty damn good at the moment. I'm just trying to take this one day at a time, which isn't normally my style. I'm usually several steps ahead, constantly planning and wondering and hoping and worrying. Not this time, though.

This is delicate and fragile, and while it's clearly too late to "take it slow," I'm still going to try to do so in my head.

We're both scared. But this has been developing for 7 months now. The initial cupcake-melting. Universal Studios. Pirates of the Caribbean. Karaoke nights. Post game Celebration lake-walks. Halloween Horror Nights. Equilibrium. Lunch dates. Late-night chats. Bug higs. You're so backwards, it's amazing. Zombie-killing. Econo-mixes. New Zealand. The Orlando Public Library. Cleat-shopping. Hokey-pokey ice cream. The Halloween party. Kayaking on St. John's River. Cirque du Soleil. Cici's Pizza. Conserving Water.

Just to name a few...

Open and honest, that's our motto. We have never had an issue with that before, so it shouldn't be any different now. I used to say, "here's me confronting you..." and I would tell him exactly what I was thinking at that moment. We are able to be uniquely ourselves in one another's presence; we don't need to try to impress the other. He challenges me and isn't afraid to state his opinion. I'm not afraid to get angry at him or call him out when he upsets me. Playful banter turns to philosophical discussions. We have always had an amazing level of communication.

We fell for each other in September... October... November... December... but the timing was never right. Yet that didn't stop us from living in the moment. (Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.)

Are things going to change between us now? I don't think that's possible. A connection this powerful can't be interrupted. It can only get better.

"I'll take care of you," he says.

She responds, "We'll take care of each other."

We'll see what happens.

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