Black & White Sleep

Ever feel like you are missing out on something if you fall asleep?

I've stopped relying on Tylenol PM to fall asleep. I've been swallowing two pills a night for the past four weeks, which is probably not helping the intestinal infection. Dr. McDreamy told me that the pain meds would be enough to relax me and help me fall asleep. They seemed to be working earlier in the weekend, but now the clock is creeping towards 3:30am, and I am still wide awake and full of energy.

I can't pinpoint what exactly I fear I will miss out on if I let myself drift into dreamland. My worrying has been irrational lately, which makes it difficult for me to fall asleep at night (hence the need for a sleep aid). I'm curled up in my childhood twin size bed, with an electric blanket and a space heater. The fan is on (I sleep with a fan on the floor; I can't sleep without some sort of constant noise) and the rest of the house is quiet. My stepmom will actually be waking up in three hours to get ready for work.

My vacation is almost over. It was a very mellow weekend, definitely something that I needed. I don't want to go back to work, mainly because I face the task of reprogramming my new computer and setting up templates, toolbars, and rearranging the desktop. Very tedious.

I hung out with Jeff at his apartment on Friday night, which was very relaxing. We had our usual philosophical chat about life and relationships that lasted close to three hours. We usually see eye to eye on a lot of issues, but we actually disagreed on a few things this time around. Nonetheless, we agreed that if we were both still single at age 40, we'd get married. I have a feeling we're both going to do everything in our power to make sure that doesn't happen...

On Saturday, I hung around the house with the family, and killed them in Scrabble. I went out to dinner with Jenn to catch up, and then we went to Lana's parents' house, where her family was celebrating her mom's birthday. Birthdays usually mean there is cake involved. I love cake.

Today, I lunched at Panera with the college roommates (Bean, Peggy, Quinn), JRye, and Laurie. Afterwards, Laurie introduced us to a new Starbucks on Shrewsbury St. We even ventured back to Assumption's campus to experience some nostalgia as we hung out at the old media center. The place I called home for four years now seems empty and unfamiliar. I've been out of college for almost three years now, though it often feels like ten years has passed.

I spoke briefly with my friends about the break-up. My college friends knew Luke fairly well, since he visited campus many weekends from sophomore to senior year. It was difficult to gauge thier reactions... I think they just felt bad about the entire situation, since I had mentioned many times in college that Luke was "the one." How foolish I was in my early 20s.

I often wonder-- is there really just one person out there? My outgoing nature tends to blend well with many people, so much so that I often misinterpret friendship vs. chemistry. It's difficult for me not to get along with someone... I can almost always pinpoint the good qualities in a person, embrace them, and form a common bond. I thrive on getting to know someone on a personal level; this is why I have formed many friendships over the years, some more intimate than others, of course.

My dad says that I have a knack for reading people, that I am a good judge of character. This makes me realize that he must have been extremely frustrated with me and my decision to stay with Luke as long as I did. My dad knew, from an early point in our relationship, that Luke was not going to be enough for me... that he would never challenge me intellectually or provide me with room to grow. We had a conversation a little over a year ago regarding how often Luke and I faught or disagreed. I answered honestly, telling him that Luke and I rarely fought or disagreed. I never thought much of it, at the time. Now, I'm realizing it is very crucial to argue and disagree, to challenge one another. This is an aspect in a relationship that I want. I want a man to argue with me, to not let me walk all over him, to be firm in his beliefs.

It's amazing how much I am learning regarding what I want in a life partner. I'm looking at everything--men, philosophy, religion, hobbies, professions-- with a different perspective. It's almost as if I have been asleep for a few years, trapped in a grey haze, and I am just now waking up. I don't want to lose this feeling.

I'm pretty sure that is why I don't want to let myself fall asleep. I fear I may fall back into the deeper sleep, where I dream in black and white, instead of vivid colors.